Day 4

Today was another good day at the intensive. I feel very comfortable here. Living in this lifestyle of waking up everyday and conditioning my body from 9 am to 6 pm is intense, but it's all so exciting. I love the feeling of just moving through your body in full expression. I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about other people while being here and I am enjoying every minute of it.

We had Pilates today with Laura again, which was actually quite successful, I am already beginning to see myself improve and grow stronger. I also had Katarzyna again for modern. We had the same warmup combinations for class but then learned a very fun combination that we kept repeating at the end. We cycled through at least 4 times and I feel like even in those 4 times, I became more developed as I progressed. I feel like whenever I let go of my inhibitions I can do so much more then I ever thought I could. It really is 10% Physical, 90% Mental. Just the thinking I had when approaching combinations today has changed dramatically throughout this process. Then in repertory class we had Rebecca again. We reviewed Smoke Rings and learned a new solo that originally created for her. She calls this the "Fuck You" solo. She told us that it was created for her because of personal experiences that she had been faced with in her life of feeling "abandoned." The choreography is simple, yet intricate, but above all has a mood to it. The whole solo is supposed to depict a troubled soul trying to fight against society and everyone trying to force her into her discomfort.

I then went swimming and biked 5 miles in the gym. I had to rush from the gym to get in a shower and dinner in an hour so I could catch a bus to the National Museum of Dance to hear Lar speak to the general public. Lar talked mostly about his upcoming dances and his choreographic process. But he also brought up how he came to dance. He said that he was going to Iowa State University as a Studio Art Major, and then discovered Dance through his friend who was trying to get a dance program at the school. The only reason it peaked his interest was because this girl stated, "Anyone who wants to lift a bunch of girls come with me." Lar said that was captured his interest and through that he discovered the art of dance. Maybe if he hadn't made that choice, he would not be where he is today. Because of that he was granted a full scholarship to the Juilliard School and is now one of today's ten best choreographers in the world. It just made me think. Everything happens for a reason. If I don't end up among one of those dancers I look up to, there's a reason for it. And if I do end up there but not for awhile, it will be because it wasn't the right time for me yet. Honestly, what are the chances that Lar would be a choreographer today if he hadn't followed that girl? It's fate.

Other thoughts for the day...I was picked for Jojo's piece! I'm really excited to start working with him. He has such a big personality, and it really does come out in his dancing. The only thing that really got to me was this taboo of dancers and their maturity levels. A lot of dancers were not picked to be in these pieces, and while I understand the excitement you get from getting picked, imagine how everyone else feels. I have been there several times, where I see literally EVERYONE around me get picked for the one available spot, and where am I? In the back, on the sidelines, watching and waiting for my opportunity. While I am sincerely grateful for my success in landing a spot this time around, is this how it's going to be for the rest of my dance career? Constant elimination and constant competition over things that dancers can't take personally. Everyone should always have the mindset that not everyone is going to get picked in an audition, but it doesn't mean it hurts any less when you don't get picked. I don't know, just food for thought. I have seen the faces of those who didn't get picked and I emphasize with them.

However, I am REALLY excited for what tomorrow has in store for me...and the next day...and the day after that.

I feel as though sometimes I need to come alive again after working so diligently on technical aspects of training. Sometimes I lose my passion and I lose my fire that got me to love this art form. That in itself is the most dangerous spell one can have upon them. Because, no matter how hard you work, if there is no fire there isn't really any point.

Never have I appreciated myself so much before. I feel as though I have finally taken action to help condition and restore my body. A lot of times we put our bodies through so much without giving our bodies anything in return. I am trying to eat right, cross-train, condition my body mentally and emotionally, and just give my body what it needs. Regardless of what everyone else thinks, I love my body and I love the way it lets me move, feel, think, breathe, heal, and love.