Day 11

Today was day 11 and man was it rough...and I thought 11 was my lucky number! I don't know why, but I lost all the confidence that I have had with me the past ten days here. I felt so vulnerable and exposed today. I woke up really early after staying up really late last night and went to breakfast. I feel as though I was trying to close myself off today because I felt so exposed emotionally. Everytime I was around people I felt as if they were judging me in some way. I know it's all in my head, but it's still frustrating. My horoscope for today even had negative energy in it:

"You have too much on your plate right now, so try to just let go of some of it. You need to carve out some time for yourself today ...with this kind of great energy, it's time for you to put at least one personal issue to rest. It should feel great when you finally leave it behind you!"

This was definitely true.
I had ballet today and Repertory with Jeannie. She is such a great lady, but taking class with her is painful at times. Her ballet class is basic but also really hard. And she speaks so softly so it is often hard to hear the corrections she gives, which then makes it difficult for me to apply them to myself. I feel as though I was not focused at all today in ballet. It was so difficult for me to think about combinations. I think what I really needed was some alone time and some therapeutic healing emotionally. Because I left lunch early because I was feeling overwhelmed and then as soon as I got to Repertory class felt horrible. It was so hard to lift my spirit back up. Building a healthy relationship with your mind is very difficult, especially for me. I feel as though I am constantly judging myself and my status. I hate it, but at the same time it keeps me going. I keep thinking to myself, if everyone in Lar's company came from Julliard, what are the chances I will ever in my life get the opportunity to work with a choreographer and dance master so great, when I come from Towson? Not to hate on Towson, but the environment is so different. There is a different aura around the students and it is not a productive one. And while it is better to have confidence, I feel as though many don't realize the intensity of this craft. I feel as though I put in 100% everyday in class, or at least 99% of the time, and I even have my doubts about reaching an advanced level and getting dance opportunities many will not get.

I talked to my friend Mirela about this today at the company's performance at SPAC, and her reply was simply this:
"There is a place for everyone, you just have to find yours."
She is such a sweetheart and she always makes me feel better! And not to mention she is this gorgeous ballerina! I love her! The people here have been amazing to get to know. I can't believe in these 11 short days I have made such close bonds with so many people.

After seeing the company perform again, I have regained my energy and passion to keep progressing forward. It's a sad thought thinking about the reality of the arts and the amount of jobs that are even left in this world of art and dance. But it's something I love, and that's all that matters. I think that in life many do not get the opportunity to follow their dreams, no matter how big it can happen though and it all comes from the brain. Lar Lubovitch even said, "All dance begins in the brain." Which is literally true, because dance must be thought out and coordinated from brain signals...however it can also take a figurative approach. Dance may seem to be a very athletic and physical art form, but a lot of dance comes from the way you mentally solve problems and emotionally express yourself, which both come from the brain. Hopefully it will all work out in the end and I will be dancing in several different companies and doing design on the side, and will be living in the city...enjoying life.

This weekend= Artsfest, Gym, Lake George, and Rest/Relax!
I also have been thinking about my choreography also. I have already planned a lot of things out for my comp piece as well as edits for my piece with Thomas, which I am VERY excited to work on!

" Dance is an active verb, it never stops."- Jeannie

" If you can't hear the music, you can't feel the music in your body."- Jeannie