Day 18

Today I woke up with a bad attitude and a bad outlook on my life and experiences, but today I ended the day on a high note in hopes for my future. What an emotional roller coaster I have been on these past three weeks. After all, I have been exposed in a vulnerable place that I am typically not in. Living here in Saratoga for three weeks, I have met phenomenal people and have learned a great deal about dance, people, and life. I feel as though I have found an inner connectivity to the world around me and the true meaning of everything that happens in a day, month, year, and lifetime. Yes, I have learned a great deal of technique from some of the most brilliant people in the world, and yes I have made some new friends and connections that will hopefully cross my path in my future, but most of all I have learned a great deal about myself.

Today I woke up thinking, I am not good enough and realized that I am as good as I want to be. And what is "good?" There simply is no definition of a good dancer. You will never in a lifetime be able to judge the quality of joy that someone has from the brilliance of dance. And yes, maybe I will never be in Lar Lubovitch, or Alvin Ailey, or even Shen Wei, but if I am dancing and enjoying life and being the best I can be that's all that I can do, and that is enough. In our lecture demonstration today we viewed Attila do his solos from Little Rhapsodies, Jason do his Meredith Monk solo, and saw videos of Chris Vo and Concerto 622. After the demonstrations we had our final chat with Lar and the company. He asked us to give feedback to him and the company to see what we are going to take back with us. Something that struck me was when Jeannie spoke. She said a quote about the idea of perfection and the idea we have of perfection in our minds and this is what she said:

" Perfection is counterproductive, it likes humility. In order to find a straight line you have to work humbly."

This resonated with me in a way that made me feel quite emotional. After having a rough class with Chris Vo today in modern, I all of a sudden realized that it's okay that I am not perfect. Dance is a constant journey that will never be perfected but will constantly require work and attention to keep its beauty.

Another thing Lar mentioned was body image. It was a side note of the discussion but he brought it up and said this:

"You don't have to change your body to dance, but you can change your body if you don't like it."

This is so powerful for me and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I have always had body image issues. I don't want to risk my health by starving myself to make it as an artist, but often it is perceived that being a dancer means you must be skinny. It's great to hear someone with such power say that you can be accepted for who you are, in fact it is preferred.


On another note, tonight after rehearsal we went to the company member's apartments and hung out with the company members. It was cool to see them just as people. Often people see people who are so successful, or see role models or icons and become star-struck, and more often than not you find out the inner personality of these people and find them to not be the icon you thought they were portrayed as. Being around the company members made me respect them even more. Seeing them as real people, just like us made me think that they aren't an unnatural super hero with special powers, they worked hard to get to where they are today. If I work hard enough I could possibly be where they are today. Then after we talked about dance, Attila said something that was kind of an epiphany for me. He said, "Dance and life are on a parallel. Dance is about the transitions and Life is about the journey. There are certain milestones in your life that you remember, but what really matters isn't your destination, it's how you got to that point." And it is so true. Growing never stops, Dancing never stops, and Learning never stops. The only thing that stops is time, so take advantage of it while you can. I have realized that as long as I am honest with myself and as long as I am enjoying every part of my life, I will be okay and things will work out. Life's plan for me may be even bigger than dance, who knows...I am willing to take this journey to find out what it is.